Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So squirting runs in the family.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
