community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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