your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
