My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
