I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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