Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
