I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
