I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
