I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize