I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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