im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
