I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
