Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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