My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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