I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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