I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
