Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
