i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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