I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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