Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
