Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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