I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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