His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
