it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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