Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
porn star boner night. come get it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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