I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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