I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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