My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
