if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hippo gnu deer
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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