i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
