I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
