she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I did not marry a roomba.
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