Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
