I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
