Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
