I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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