No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
