my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
God, I missed his penis.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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