I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
