Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
