just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
