Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
