dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
