So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
