I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
