Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
