I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
