I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
