the condom got lost in my hair
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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