She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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