She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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