do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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