Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
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